SPL TV

We get a sneak look at the SPL's programmes for their doomed TV channel. Rangers get to play in England but can only draw at Berwick. Violence returns to the Scottish game.


 

SPL TV OPENING NIGHT HIGHLIGHTS

Who says the SPL isn't capable of producing a top-quality 24/7 football subscription channel? We've obtained a sneak preview of their first day's full schedule and are happy to reproduce it here.

1.00 Teletubbies: SPFA boss Tony Higgins in discussion with Derek Johnstone.

2.00 Shoestring: An examination of Clydebank's budget.

3.00 The Weakest Link: Will Bert Konterman be first to be voted off (again)?

4.00 Taxi: Comedy with Duncan Ferguson as he playfully headbutts the guy in front of him at the rank.

5.00 Dad's Army: More laughs with the old duffers of St Johnstone. Starring Willie Falconer and Darren Jackson.

6.00 Wish You Were Here? Highlights from the Premiership, La Liga, Serie A and the Bundesliga.

7.00 EastEnders: More misery, moaning, bitching and random violence from Dunfermline.

8.00 (film) Attila The Hun: In-depth profile of Rangers new hardman midfielder.

9.00 Neighbours from Hell: Those friendly Dundee fans talk candidly about living next door to Jim McLean.

10.00 Father Ted: Disaster strikes as Ted, Jack and Dougal realise that dog collars no longer guarantee free entry at Parkhead. Not when there's thousands on the season ticket waiting list.

11.00 Shooting Stars: ( Subject to cancellation as it's difficult to find any appropriate guests).

12.00 Jerry Springer: Chat show with the new Scotland boss Jerry Springer.

1.00 The Twilight Zone: 1st, 2nd and 3rd Division round-up.

2.00 Dalziel and Pascoe: The Ayr United boss signs up an ageing former Olympic athlete as his assistant in a desperate bid to avoid the drop.

3.00 Robot Wars: Highlights from Motherwell v Dunfermline.

4.00 Meetings With Remarkable Trees: The Mark Hateley story.

5.00 Scrapheap Challenge: A visit to Somerset Park.

6.00 Home And Away: Clydebank v Morton.

7.00 Tweenies: Interviews with the Kilmarnock squad.

8.00 Doctor Who: The Celtic memoirs of Jozef Venglos.

9.00 The Odd Couple: The Celtic memoirs of Kenny Dalglish and John Barnes.

10.00 Friends Like These: A sneak peek inside the Boardroom at Tannadice.

11.00 Men Behaving Badly: Featuring Motherwell's loveable duo Karl Ready and Greg Strong.

12.00 XENA: Warrior Princess: At last! Something worth watching!

HUN-BELIEVABLE

So Rangers wanted to play in England. After escaping from Berwick with a 0-0 draw they may want to rethink. Rangers were truly abysmal. One corner in the first 45 minutes against the team at the foot of the Second Division is a damning statistic. But what was even worse was the players attitude. Witness Andrei Kanchelskis coming on at half-time WEARING GLOVES! Now Berwick in January will never be mistaken for Benidorm but Kanchelskis started his career in the Russian Supreme League where the winter weather has been known to be just a tad nippier than over here. We'd call him a big girl's blouse if we didn't think it would upset him too much.

NORTHERN FIGHTS

The return of spectator violence to Scotland at the recent Aberdeen v Rangers game is worrying. The trouble started when a coin thrown from among the Rangers support struck Dons' Robbie Winters on the back of the head. Leaving aside the fact that it's changed days indeed when Rangers fans have money to burn, what happened next was worse.

Worse because while throwing anything from the stands is despicable and dangerous it is also damned near impossible to stop. But for around two dozen fans to be allowed to make their way from the Aberdeen support onto the trackside and then get in among the Rangers fans before a steward or a policeman so much as moved a muscle is a matter for concern.

Even more worrying is the suggestion that the violence was prearranged on the web by English thugs. Now while wishing the England football team nothing but ill in the World Cup, this website isn't usually well-disposed to the 'the English are the bad guys, we're all right' mentality of some Scottish supporters. Nevertheless, it is more than a little strange that NONE of the 'fans' invading the Rangers section wore colours of any description, let alone those of the ovinophile (look it up) Dons.

 

 

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